Dear Emily Dickinson,
My super amazing partner and I have historically had a wonderful sex life, but this semester I find I'm too overwhelmed and busy to think about sex! Every time we do have sex, my mind wanders to all the things on my to do list. How do I stay in the moment instead of stressing about the future?
Too Stressed for Sex
By Cameran Steiger ’26
Staff Writer
Hi there, Too Stressed for Sex; thank you for writing in!
Navigating changes in sexual activity is part of the ebb and flow that comes with a long-term partnership. Day-to-day stress can have a big impact on intimacy and your general well-being, so I’m glad that you reached out for advice. Here are some strategies to consider:
Set up a time to specifically think about your stressors. You mentioned being busy; perhaps your stress comes up in the bedroom because it’s the only break in your day to process everything else you have going on. To divert stressful thoughts from sexy time, consider integrating an intentional time and place for reflection into your schedule. It may seem counterintuitive to take a break when you’re already busy, but this can provide the space you need to dump all of your anxieties, to-do tasks and miscellaneous thoughts out onto a journal page instead of into your personal time.
Integrate mindfulness into your everyday life, not just the bedroom. You asked, “How do I stay in the moment?” Practicing mindfulness is like a reflex; if you implement it as a daily habit, it becomes easier to do on command. Practice living in the present outside of the bedroom. For example, when walking to class, don’t check your email or think about an assignment; instead, focus on the world around you. Eventually, you’ll get used to concentrating on the present moment, and can refocus when your mind starts to wander.
Use grounding strategies. If your mind starts to wander when you’re trying to focus on your partner, ground yourself in the moment by noticing 5 things you can see when looking at your partner, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. Zero in on the sensory experience rather than the anxious thoughts.
Communicate with your partner. Talking with your partner about your needs is crucial when navigating roadblocks to intimacy. It takes two to tango, and they can’t support you if they’re not in the loop. Perhaps there are some ways that your partner can help you relax in the moment and set the mood before you get down to business. Jumping in too quickly, without giving yourself time to focus in on the task at hand, could lead to wandering thoughts. An extended lead-up to the main event can be a good opportunity to slow down and set your intentions for the activity.
I also encourage you to consider my response to the query above regarding stress and work-life balance: dedicate time to rest and to organize your thoughts, communicate with your support system (partner, friends, professors, etc.), and learn how to prioritize the things that are important to you. And remember, mindfulness is an ongoing practice that you’ll get better at over time. Give yourself grace in both the bedroom and real life.
Love,
Emily