Courtesy of Pixabay
By Zora Lotton-Barker ’25
Staff Writer & Copy Editor
When we look at other people, we make instant assumptions about them, from the way they dress, act or even what they are interested in. These expectations can be damaging, not only because they are often untrue, but also because they can be incredibly hard to unlearn. This is often true for those who do not fit within the gender binary, and even more so for those who do not fit into the androgynous stereotype often ascribed to non-binary people. It is one thing to understand that gender identity, pronouns and gender expression are three separate categories, and it is another to actively deconstruct the notions of gender that place those groupings together.
Gender identity, according to an article by NPR, is “one’s own internal sense of self and their gender, whether that is man, woman, neither or both. Unlike gender expression, gender identity is not outwardly visible to others.”
In the same piece, the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation communications director, Mary Emily O’Hara, described pronouns as “how someone refers to you in conversation.”
Gender expression, as defined by Very Well Mind, “refers to the way that a person presents their gender to the world. How a person dresses can be a form of gender expression, but it can also encompass other aspects of appearance and behavior including hairstyles, body features, interests, body language, voice, pronouns and mannerisms.”
As someone who is actively grappling with my gender identity, it has been particularly hard for me to come to terms with myself because my gender presentation seems to automatically categorize me into a certain group.
I came out to my family and friends when I was 15 years old. Originally, I identified as bisexual, unsure of whether or not I was attracted to men, I would later adopt both lesbian and queer identifiers. I decided to come out of the closet because I was in love with my best friend, as is true for many queer people. We ended up dating for about six months. During that time, I began to feel more comfortable with my sexuality. After years of hiding parts of myself, I was now able to share details surrounding my queerness with my friends and family like compulsory heterosexuality and womanhood.
The rejection of romantic connection to men felt like I was breaking away from my womanhood, too. Unfortunately, it often feels like the only way in which I can properly enact womanhood is to relate myself to men in some way. That makes lesbianism very isolating.
As someone who has questioned their gender identity, and still does, one of the hardest things that I have come to grapple with is the tendency for those around me to view my gender expression as the default for my identity.
When I started to use she/they pronouns last year and asked friends and family to refer to me as such, rarely did I hear them refer to me with they/them pronouns. Even when I talked to other queer and non-binary friends, who often met me with empathy and understanding, nothing seemed to change.
It has been incredibly hard for me to realize whether or not using they/them pronouns feels right for me because I am always referred to using she/her pronouns. I can’t tell if they/them pronouns give me a sense of gender euphoria because I have not experienced them. I have often considered changing my pronouns to she/her on all platforms so that I could at least feel like people were respecting my identity, even if it was wrong.
In an interview with Them magazine, Summer Bedard, who used both she/her and he/him pronouns interchangeably, spoke about using more than one set of pronouns.
“People who use multiple pronouns are showcasing the complexity of their identity to the world, and I think that’s really beautiful because it shows others that it’s okay to embrace all the many sides of yourself at once,” Bedard said.
In the same article, author Wren Sanders noted that “by embracing this tendency toward complexity, we might all become more attuned to the beauty of gender as more than a box to check, but rather a medium for limitless expression.”
I think one of the reasons that those around me have had such a hard time using they/them pronouns for me is because I do not present androgynously. Rather, I tend to wear exclusively feminine clothing and am interested in stereotypically feminine activities such as sewing, ballet and embroidering. I have thought about altering the way that I look to better conform to what is expected of non-binary people.
However, non-binary people don’t owe you androgyny to make their gender identity easier to conceptualize or rationalize. Rather than forcing those who do not fit within the gender binary to confine themselves to new boxes, it is the job of everyone else to redefine and reimagine their understanding of gender.