Graphic by someone i guess???? idk bruh i’m not getting paid to do this
By Emily Tarinelli 5’7”
Jedi Master Who Spins Lightsabers on Skinner Green
In a last, desperate attempt to save face after enacting various ridiculous policies, the NCAA has eliminated all varsity sports. All funding is to be directed toward the formation of a single varsity sport: collegiate lightsaber dueling.
“We’re hoping that the change gets us more attention from the nerds out there,” the NCAA said in a press release. “We messed up pretty badly over the past couple years, so we’re hoping the increased nerd involvement will distract people from all our bad behavior.”
Mount Holyoke College had no choice but to throw all its varsity teams into the trash compactor. According to an anonymous spokesperson from the Athletics Department, the trustees are actually thrilled about the initiative.
“They think replacing the existing varsity sports with lightsaber dueling will finally bring balance to the Force and settle all debates about the ethics of the NCAA’s questionable actions over the years,” the spokesperson said.
The spokesperson added that the lightsaber dueling team will satisfy the desires of both the jocks and the nerds of Mount Holyoke. However, in a low whisper they added, “Don’t tell anyone this, but personally I’m really hoping the change will make the Books section of Mount Holyoke News back off. The Sports section obviously deserves the full page, and shouldn’t have to sacrifice half a page every other week. If all goes according to plan, the nerds who read MHN will be so enraptured by the coverage of lightsaber dueling that they won’t even WANT Books to have half of the page. If anything, they’ll want Sports coverage more than ever. More space for the best MHN section! Muahahaha.”
The Athletics Department has already hired several coaches, including Jedi Masters Yoda, Mace Windu and Obi-Wan Kenobi. They also hired Anakin Skywalker as a staff member — but just to be clear, he does not have the rank of master.
“This is outrageous,” Skywalker told Mount Holyoke News. “It’s unfair. How can you be on the coaching staff and not have the rank of master???”
Mount Holyoke College will provide athletes with lightsabers free of charge. Students on the team will get to choose their lightsaber color. However, Windu has specifically requested that the color purple not be available to athletes.
When a couple of students protested, Windu remarked, “Who do you think you are? Samuel L. Jackson???”
The lightsaber dueling team’s first competitive season is scheduled to begin in fall 2022. All nerds and anyone feeling particularly stabby should consider joining. By then, the Sports section shall have a full page!